Sunday, November 30, 2003

a lipless grin

the smell of cora
the smell of nash
the smell of rucha

and in the train i remembered
the smell of jayati

i'd like to read all night

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

lucky rocketship underpants

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."

"If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it."

"What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking... and suddenly you wake up."

(Calvin & Hobbes)

Monday, November 24, 2003

and it never occurs to you to take him seriously

i read that on nash-es site
it was real sweet
i don't know if he wrote it

in yet another phase in my life
today i decided i want to do nothing
it's just that after all those dreams i find myself not willing to work towards any of them

not nothing nothing
but something nothing
like my quiz job
it's something
but it means nothing to me

did i tell you i'm leaving my quiz job in jan?

i also felt like becoming the prime minister of india today
just to be the change
but i wouldn't want to work towards that either

ah well
fuck it.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Bananafish Dreams

the dreams last night were weird. real weird.
first nash and i had this big fight about how i should just give up hope
we were sitting in someone's car
and then i walked off and then he walked off and then we walked off

then i met mrs. mistry. she was my teacher in jaihind
and mr.mistry was with her. he was my teacher in xavier's
they're both physics professors
mrs. mistry kissed me on only one cheek
either way, they were giving me all sort of advice
career advice
and my specs were cracked

There was always going to be a sequel

i think love is a touch...
it was written by j. d. salinger
i really liked catcher in the rye and decided to read more of his stuff
i really liked more of his stuff

--

He doesn't know, thought Babe, lying in the dark. He doesn't know what Frances does to me, what she's always done to me. I tell strangers about her. Coming home on the train, I told a strange G.I. about her. I've always done that. The more unrequited my love for her becomes, the longer I love her, the oftener I whip out my dumb heart like crazy X-ray pictures, the greater urge I have to trace the bruises: "Look, stranger, here is where I was seventeen and borrowed Joe Mackay's Ford and drove her up to Lake Womo for the day. . . . Here, right here, is where she said what she said about big elephants and little elephants. . . . Here, over here, is where I let her cheat Bunny Haggerty at gin rummy at Rye Beach; there was a heart in her diamond run, and she knew it. . . . Here, ah, here, is where she yelled 'Babe!' when she saw me serve an ace to Bobby Teemers. I had to serve an ace to hear it, but when I heard it my heart--you can see it right here--flopped over, and it's never been the same since. . . . And here--I hate it here--here is where I was twenty-one and I saw her in one of the booths at the drugstore with Waddell, and she was sliding her fingers back and forth through the knuckle grooves of his hand."

He doesn't know what Frances does to me, Babe thought. She make me miserable, she makes me feel rotten, she doesn't understand me--nearly all of the time. But some of the time, some of the time, she's the most wonderful girl in the world, and that's something nobody else is.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Daily Dali

"When I was five years old I saw an insect that had been eaten by ants and of which nothing remained except the shell. Through the holes in its anatomy one could see the sky."

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I think that love is a touch and yet not a touch

his fingers danced in the spotlight
silly, affected handwriting

--

Dear Babe: Mama thinks you are still in England, but I think you are in France. Are you in France? Daddy tells mama that he thinks you are in England still, but I think he thinks you are in France also. Are you in France?

The Bensons came down to the shore early this summer and Jackie is over at the house all the time. Mama brought your books with us because she thinks you will be home this summer. Jackie asked if she could borrow the one about the Russian lady and one of the ones you used to keep on your desk. I gave them to her because she said she would not bend the pages or anything. Mama told her she smokes too much, and she is going to quit. She got poisoned from sunburn before we came down. She likes you a lot. She may go in the Wacks.

I saw Frances on my bike before we left home. I yelled at her, but she did not hear me. She is very stuck up and Jackie is not. Jackie’s hair is prettier also.

There are more girls than boys on the beach this year. You never see any boys. The girls play cards a lot and put a lot of sun tan oil on each others back and lay in the sun., but go in the water more than they used to. Virginia Hope and Barbara Geezer had a fight about something and don’t sit next to each other on the beach anymore. Lester Brogan was killed in the army where the Japs are. Mrs. Brogan does not come to the beach anymore except on Sundays with Mr. Brogan. Mr. Brogan just sits on the beach with Mrs. Brogan, and he does not go in the water, and you know what a good swimmer he is. I remember when you and Lester took me out to the float once. I go out to the float myself now. Diana Schults married a soldier that was at sea Girt and she went back to California with him for a week, but he is gone now and she is back. Diana lays on the beach by herself.

Before we left home, Mr. Ollinger died. Brother Teemers went into the store to get Mr. Ollinger to fix his bike and Mr. Ollinger was dead behind the counter. Brother Teemers ran crying all the way to the court house and Mr. Teemers was busy talking to the jury and everything. Brother Teemers ran right in anyway and yelled Daddy Daddy Mr. Ollinger is dead.

I cleaned out your car for you before we left for the shore. There was a lot of maps behind the front seat from your trip to Canada. I put them in your desk. There was also a girls comb. I think it was Frances. I put it in your desk also. Are you in France?

Love,

MATILDA

P.S.: Can I go to Canada with you next time you go? I won't talk much and I'll light your cigarettes for you without really smoking them.

Sincerely yours,

MATILDA

I miss you. Please come home soon.

Love and kisses,

MATILDA

Sunday, November 16, 2003

just a crash

i've always thought that seatbelts were more like boob_crushers and not seatbelts
they simply aren't designed to fit comfortably between a woman's breasts
well, i understood their purpose tonight, in the not so nice way

four gigglets were lost

Saturday, November 15, 2003

gobble gobble

last night nash called me to say that he broke up with another friend.
i'm mighty worried about nash.

"nash, it's like yr looking for this perfection in everyone"
i knew that wasn't true
i don't know why i said it.

i get that feeling with nash all the time.
it's a real scary feeling to have.
that one day, he'll just get fed up and dissappear.
he's like a fish you see, has an attention span of 13 maybe 17 minutes.

i don't know what's worse.
i get mighty bored of people too
i change, they change, everyone changes damnit
but with me and people its more of a natural process
after the boredom sets in, the loosing touch is the next obvious step
natural obvious
natural
fine.

so it is better to spare their feelings and be hypocritical?
or to say, i never want to see you again?

i don't quite know. i feel like nash should have made that call to someone else.