step out of the circle

ouch. that was to vanilla sky.
the movie hit a nerve or two.

i completely forgot about what i wanted to say.

eye in the sky

troubling question:
could the president/prime minister of a country like india be an atheist?

(note_to_self - need to get more creative with blackmilk. especially the loaders)

'tis tsk tsch

happy holidays and all.
it's been a very fruitful 2 days.
all that wedding shopping has been taken care off.
must buy matching bag. must buy matching shoes.

i'm in love with dr. suess.
everytime i step into oxford's i read another one of his books
yesterday was "say can you say"
ha ha

i have all of one and a half days left at work
pray, do tell - how will they pass?

daddy's little girl

i went with daddy to pick up dress material (it's an opposite life)
and one the way he bought a match box. he flung it to me and said "this is how you live your life, no?"
the matchbox had one of those cliches - aim for the moon, if you miss, you'll reach the stars.
sweet little fucker he is

gunless massacre

there's a wedding coming up in my family.
and with these weddings comes all this shopping
and i really hate shopping
it depresses the fuck out of me

so i sat and cried
ya, i too was suprised
i cried because there is no one to take care of me

and then my mother is mad
she aksed me most seriously, if i want to get married to this one guy.
puke puke puke.
does she not know me at all?

when you know what you need, don't waste more time. i'm a real fuck.

as a sidenote- - i saw kill_bill. it beats crouching tiger hands down.

bar_hopper

do you feel the rhythm coarsing through your veins setting your blood on fire.

i thought i'd just stop by and give him his green christmas.
i didn't have the will to leave.

cheers to things that consume us.
suddenly, i feel so out of place.

quit smoking

i'm really frustrated with this decision of not talking to nash anymore. i know i could call or msg or email. i just don't believe it would be fair. fuck.

the opposite of love is death

chandigarh. 13 dec. 2003.
i'm really enjoying the weather here. colder crsiper cleaner. puts me to sleep real soon. i'm glad i came.

suddenly, i'm weary of my life in bombay. it's actually not that sudden but i feel it even more now. i think a lot of it has to do with space. fuck, i really want that job in bangalore. rucha and nash could come and visit me. i'd like that.

chandigarh is a flat quiet flowery city. the well-planned part is true. dol's house is huge. like cora's. and it's real comfortable. warm kinda comfortable. she and aunty seem to be much better. there is no real way to deal with death 'well'. i spent some time in her dad's cabin. he's done it up real nicely. like a captain's cabin. the windows were the same windows used in submarine/ships...i don't know what they are called.

we haven't ventured out of the house much. just as far as the market place to run errands and pick up food stuff. dol's life here is soo very different from her life in bombay. she has tons of relatives. nice relatives. everyone here speaks in punjabi. being sindhi i'm not that lost but i have my sheeply moments.

it is very strange this whole punjabi(sikh)-sindhi issue. we both read the guru granth sahib, most of the customs (marriage, death, etc) are the same, and the language is similar (albeit the script is different). the pothole lies herein: sindhis are hindus (hinduism) whereas sikhs are a whole new religion (sikkhism). so in india we mostly have - buddhism, hinduism, islam, christianity and sikhissm). slightly stange no?

so about the train journey. it was long and painful. 28 whole fucking hours. ha ha. no i haven't ever travelled for 28 whole hours before. the only thing worse than travelling on a 28-hr journey alone is getting the damn middle berth. ha ha. it was a real kick in my ass. to the right and opposite of me was mummy, daddy, brother, sister - one happy little punjabi family who mostly bitched about the honeymooners in the adjoining berths. to the left and opposite of me was a neurosurgeon and a someone. the someone opposite me slept for atleast 26 out of the 28 hrs. awesome stuff no?

i had a semi-interesting conversation with the neurosurgeon until he ruined it all by finding the need to prove to me that doctors aren't in it for the money. i know that damnit, jaya silently screamed.

then i thought i came up with this beautiful plan on how to put the end to poverty and overpopulation in the urban sectors. all the farmers in india should unite and raise their prices such that their profit is enough to sustain them throught the year. the whole plan stemed from the fact that, in the train, you get really shitty food. really expensive really shitty food. but i had to buy it cause i had to eat. similarly, obliterating the shitty, if all the farmers united and raised prices, we lower and upper middle class types wouldn't have a choice but to buy the slightly more expensive vegetables. i would think not watching TV or sacrificing a bottle of wine a week would be a just price to pay for a hundred lives (i know- - im a pompous hypocritical brat -- i'm not proud). either way, my whole plan came crashing down when it came to my notice that the poor farmers -- the ones who keep dying don't own land. the land owners own land. and they are a bunch of hatta khatta bandas. now, for the land-owers to show compassion and unite with the farmers and mutually gain is a distant dream.

part 2 when i reach bombay. goodnight.


bombay. 16th dec. 2003.
the last night/day in chandigarh was quite nice. kadambari came down from dharamshala (or somewhere in the mountains of himachal) to meet dol for a night/day. she's there teaching some tibetian kids english. quite nice. and she went on and on and on about this tiger. this wild tiger who was 10 m away from here and how she almost died and all. the next morning i left for delhi (14th). said my goodbyes.

it was real good to akshay again. ate some good food. then he had work. so i spent the whole morning and afternoon roaming the streets of delhi. quite alone. i was really scared cause of all the horror stories i've heard. had some random conversations with the locals. most of them really couldn't make out i was indian. part bummer part cool. the train was at 4.

the train back was much nicer and took only 18 hrs. so it was mostly an overnight journey. and guess what guess what? i got the bestet seat. i guess things do always even out. there was a football team (from goa) travelling to bombay for another match. so lots of action in my compartment. alrite. now, i shall get to work.

i'm going to have to go back to the pool

i promise not to be tempted
the blue black blue jay

this abstinence is a bitch

that we don't even care, as restless as we are

fascinating exhibition at ngma yesterday
spectacular spectacular
the train, you must see the train
and the fat naked woman prancing around the place
like a bird she says

understood

there's nothing more rejuvinating than getting a call from cora and suddenly knowing what you what.
there's nothing more rejuvinating that calling sanjay, only to discover that he's in bangalore, and having things fall into place.

always with me, always with you

i don't know how it happened, only that it happened.

back

i don't understand death
i'll never understand death
no matter how hard i try

it's rude.

a lipless grin

the smell of cora
the smell of nash
the smell of rucha

and in the train i remembered
the smell of jayati

i'd like to read all night

lucky rocketship underpants

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."

"If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it."

"What I like is when you're looking and thinking and looking and thinking... and suddenly you wake up."

(Calvin & Hobbes)

and it never occurs to you to take him seriously

i read that on nash-es site
it was real sweet
i don't know if he wrote it

in yet another phase in my life
today i decided i want to do nothing
it's just that after all those dreams i find myself not willing to work towards any of them

not nothing nothing
but something nothing
like my quiz job
it's something
but it means nothing to me

did i tell you i'm leaving my quiz job in jan?

i also felt like becoming the prime minister of india today
just to be the change
but i wouldn't want to work towards that either

ah well
fuck it.

Bananafish Dreams

the dreams last night were weird. real weird.
first nash and i had this big fight about how i should just give up hope
we were sitting in someone's car
and then i walked off and then he walked off and then we walked off

then i met mrs. mistry. she was my teacher in jaihind
and mr.mistry was with her. he was my teacher in xavier's
they're both physics professors
mrs. mistry kissed me on only one cheek
either way, they were giving me all sort of advice
career advice
and my specs were cracked

There was always going to be a sequel

i think love is a touch...
it was written by j. d. salinger
i really liked catcher in the rye and decided to read more of his stuff
i really liked more of his stuff

--

He doesn't know, thought Babe, lying in the dark. He doesn't know what Frances does to me, what she's always done to me. I tell strangers about her. Coming home on the train, I told a strange G.I. about her. I've always done that. The more unrequited my love for her becomes, the longer I love her, the oftener I whip out my dumb heart like crazy X-ray pictures, the greater urge I have to trace the bruises: "Look, stranger, here is where I was seventeen and borrowed Joe Mackay's Ford and drove her up to Lake Womo for the day. . . . Here, right here, is where she said what she said about big elephants and little elephants. . . . Here, over here, is where I let her cheat Bunny Haggerty at gin rummy at Rye Beach; there was a heart in her diamond run, and she knew it. . . . Here, ah, here, is where she yelled 'Babe!' when she saw me serve an ace to Bobby Teemers. I had to serve an ace to hear it, but when I heard it my heart--you can see it right here--flopped over, and it's never been the same since. . . . And here--I hate it here--here is where I was twenty-one and I saw her in one of the booths at the drugstore with Waddell, and she was sliding her fingers back and forth through the knuckle grooves of his hand."

He doesn't know what Frances does to me, Babe thought. She make me miserable, she makes me feel rotten, she doesn't understand me--nearly all of the time. But some of the time, some of the time, she's the most wonderful girl in the world, and that's something nobody else is.

Daily Dali

"When I was five years old I saw an insect that had been eaten by ants and of which nothing remained except the shell. Through the holes in its anatomy one could see the sky."

I think that love is a touch and yet not a touch

his fingers danced in the spotlight
silly, affected handwriting

--

Dear Babe: Mama thinks you are still in England, but I think you are in France. Are you in France? Daddy tells mama that he thinks you are in England still, but I think he thinks you are in France also. Are you in France?

The Bensons came down to the shore early this summer and Jackie is over at the house all the time. Mama brought your books with us because she thinks you will be home this summer. Jackie asked if she could borrow the one about the Russian lady and one of the ones you used to keep on your desk. I gave them to her because she said she would not bend the pages or anything. Mama told her she smokes too much, and she is going to quit. She got poisoned from sunburn before we came down. She likes you a lot. She may go in the Wacks.

I saw Frances on my bike before we left home. I yelled at her, but she did not hear me. She is very stuck up and Jackie is not. Jackie’s hair is prettier also.

There are more girls than boys on the beach this year. You never see any boys. The girls play cards a lot and put a lot of sun tan oil on each others back and lay in the sun., but go in the water more than they used to. Virginia Hope and Barbara Geezer had a fight about something and don’t sit next to each other on the beach anymore. Lester Brogan was killed in the army where the Japs are. Mrs. Brogan does not come to the beach anymore except on Sundays with Mr. Brogan. Mr. Brogan just sits on the beach with Mrs. Brogan, and he does not go in the water, and you know what a good swimmer he is. I remember when you and Lester took me out to the float once. I go out to the float myself now. Diana Schults married a soldier that was at sea Girt and she went back to California with him for a week, but he is gone now and she is back. Diana lays on the beach by herself.

Before we left home, Mr. Ollinger died. Brother Teemers went into the store to get Mr. Ollinger to fix his bike and Mr. Ollinger was dead behind the counter. Brother Teemers ran crying all the way to the court house and Mr. Teemers was busy talking to the jury and everything. Brother Teemers ran right in anyway and yelled Daddy Daddy Mr. Ollinger is dead.

I cleaned out your car for you before we left for the shore. There was a lot of maps behind the front seat from your trip to Canada. I put them in your desk. There was also a girls comb. I think it was Frances. I put it in your desk also. Are you in France?

Love,

MATILDA

P.S.: Can I go to Canada with you next time you go? I won't talk much and I'll light your cigarettes for you without really smoking them.

Sincerely yours,

MATILDA

I miss you. Please come home soon.

Love and kisses,

MATILDA

just a crash

i've always thought that seatbelts were more like boob_crushers and not seatbelts
they simply aren't designed to fit comfortably between a woman's breasts
well, i understood their purpose tonight, in the not so nice way

four gigglets were lost

gobble gobble

last night nash called me to say that he broke up with another friend.
i'm mighty worried about nash.

"nash, it's like yr looking for this perfection in everyone"
i knew that wasn't true
i don't know why i said it.

i get that feeling with nash all the time.
it's a real scary feeling to have.
that one day, he'll just get fed up and dissappear.
he's like a fish you see, has an attention span of 13 maybe 17 minutes.

i don't know what's worse.
i get mighty bored of people too
i change, they change, everyone changes damnit
but with me and people its more of a natural process
after the boredom sets in, the loosing touch is the next obvious step
natural obvious
natural
fine.

so it is better to spare their feelings and be hypocritical?
or to say, i never want to see you again?

i don't quite know. i feel like nash should have made that call to someone else.