Monday, February 23, 2004

am i a child or an adult...

ha ha..that was a kick ass poem in school
i think i'm going to turn into an insomniac!

the shift was good

while walking out of my building i fell and twisted my ankle and tore my jeans..
so i was an apaahidge for the rest of the day (still am)

danielle and i took a cab to malad...picked up rucha on the way
reached malad and put away some of me things...i definitely packed too many things
then nash came by with a bottle of wine
so we just bummed around and watched a lot of tv...i was insanely sleepy

the insanely sleepy in important cause i didn't sleep a wink at night
danielle was on night i was alone at night
and i i'm sure, this was the first time in 21.11 years that i've spent the night absolutely alone
so, after i got over all the rustling noises and swtiching the tv on and off some 1000 times, i ended up sleeping for like an hour
danielle came back in the morning...around 7:30...
we had breakfast..then i left for work...

the trains weren't that bad...though i cheated and got into first class (i'm injured damnit!)
i think i'm going to experiment with train and bus routes this week. will be heading into town on wednesday to watch charmed with chiru. he he.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

proudest monkey

This is my new address:

Flat No. 301, 3rd Floor, Mariana CHS,
Lourdes Colony, Orlem, Malad (W)
Mumbai 400 064

Friday, February 20, 2004


work's going good.
i move tom.
ha ha ha ha ha.
it's really cold where i sit.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

what's with all the horses

met anup quite unexpectedly today
he didn't make his flight from bangalore
so he flew out of bombay to(day)night
he's a sweet kid

then went for something's gotta give
the first half was great
the second half was like the end of lordoftherings
dragqueens in velvet underwear

rucha has this much debated theory on how nobody should have kids (anymore)
cause this world just too over_populated
the hopelessness is..
the poor don't practise birth control cause they're uneducated
the educated don't practise birth control cause they can afford to have kids
ru's selling point is -- adoption
yes yes, it's not the same...but..

either way, i'm all for adoption, 'cause i don't think i'd love the kid any less. and i can get my tubes tied and have unprotected sex and not worry about my chums, and there are a great many perks. yup, there are some side effects.

but that brings in the bigger(smaller) picture of marriage
the only reason i see myself getting hitched is to have kids
it's a very stereo-typical viewpoint
but with age, that too has changed
there's absolutely nothing wrong with adopting a child, if your single
sure, it'll be tough, but fuck, everything's tough
being a loner is not where i'm going with this train of thought
fuck, i love people, it doesn't mean i have to get married to them to live with them

so i'm in a non marriage phase of life now
i don't see the fuckin' point

Monday, February 16, 2004


there's something quite lovely about this momday morning.
i ran 7 km for the dream run yesterday
it was good run
got some nice shots
i couldn't move for an hour after
but what the hell!
also the end of kalaghoda happened yest
and dana sang the blues
we didn't sit around on the seats but lay around on the grass
and i played with the darlingest kid
bansi's friends - J and L have adopted her
then nash and sarin turned up
it was soo good to eat fish after o so long

Sunday, February 15, 2004

the feeling of jazz

hecker was great.
iit was tiring.
but hecker was great.
went to nachi's resto.
anything else?
o ya, there's a stand up happening at ncpa
i'm going to try and catch it (for rishi)

Wednesday, February 11, 2004


i got myself a new job
but not sure if i'll take it yet
it's all the way at MIDC - andheri(e)
the interview lasted for 4 hrs
test after test after test
i did better than i thought in almost all of them

so now?
i'm really out of it today.
have one more interview tom. (different company)


thought 'bout nash a lot today while travelling. i don't know why i still think about him. i guess i just miss knowing him. i don't miss the beer or the fish anymore. beer and fish substitues are easy to find. now it boils down to just him. i'm waiting for this quarter to pass.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

one of us must know

saw sex and lucia today. nice movie.

last night we went for steve young. he was ok nice. he opened with a bobby dylan song.
on the way back we saw a dead pup in the middle of the road. so we got down and moved it to the side. must have been a hit and run. could tell by the blood.

I didn't mean to treat you so bad
You shouldn't take it so personal
I didn't mean to make you so sad
You just happened to be there, that's all
When I saw you say "goodbye" to your friends and smile
I thought that it was well understood
That you'd be comin' back in a little while
I didn't know that you were sayin' "goodbye" for good

But, sooner or later, one of us must know
You just did what you're supposed to do
Sooner or later, one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you

I couldn't see what you could show me
Your scarf had kept your mouth well hid
I couldn't see how you could know me
But you said you knew me and I believed you did
When you whispered in my ear
And asked me if I was leavin' with you or her
I didn't realize just what I did hear
I didn't realize how young you were

But, sooner or later, one of us must know
You just did what you're supposed to do
Sooner or later, one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you

I couldn't see when it started snowin'
Your voice was all that I heard
I couldn't see where we were goin'
But you said you knew an' I took your word
And then you told me later, as I apologized
That you were just kiddin' me, you weren't really from the farm
An' I told you, as you clawed out my eyes
That I never really meant to do you any harm

But, sooner or later, one of us must know
You just did what you're supposed to do
Sooner or later, one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you

- Bob Dylan

Monday, February 09, 2004


today was a fairly good day.
saw talk to her (this spanish movie), i'd recommend that it be watched.
then saw aprajito. been meaning to watch a satyajit ray film for a while. finally did. i haven't formed an opinion yet.
then all the excitment happened when we went to horniman circle for Les WAMPAS!
crazy ass french fuckers.
seriously. crazy ass fuckers.
the lead singer did everything from climing trees to walking over chairs to kissing everyone. ha ha. sideshowbob.

Saturday, February 07, 2004


chiru fainted today.
it was one complete hindi movie scene.
i dropped him at kalaghoda at 4, and then i was hanging around in the area at the site office with kanika (who didn't quit) when she gets a call saying this one kid at the workshop (papier mache and mask making) has fainted and his name is chirag. so i ran and ran and ran (from jehangir to the museum) ha ha. and came to his rescue.
that was the hindi movie part of it.
anyway, he's ok now. he has holidays and leads a terribly unhealthy lifestyle. scare-e chiru.

the film festival (vikalp) has been most enlightning
i have great anger and disgust for those fucking humanity_less people of our country.

and i also shall no longer look scornfully at those going to pursue studies in the US or the UK due to reasons that are just a shadow of my ignorance.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

fuck a doodle doo

did i tell you that nisha's dad past away?
he's been in the hospital for a month (bone cancer).
that's 4 friends who've lost a parent in 2 months.

below is an excerpt from 'The Joker' by Thomas Mann. I first read it in nash-es loo a long time go. just randomly chanced upon the chapter. but it stuck in my head like the site of of a green wabbit! I actually typed it out for rishi and anch.

"Is it possible for any man, at the age of twenty-seven, seriously to believe that his situation has been unalterably finalized, however depressingly probable this may in fact be? The twittering of a bird, a tiny gap of blue in the sky, some half-remembered dream when one wakes in the morning – all these are enough to flood one’s heart with sudden vague hopes, to fill it with a festive expectation of some great unforeseen happiness…I drifted from one day to the next, meditatively, aimlessly, my mind busy with this or that trivial hope, even looking forward to such things as the next issue of an amusing periodical: I was filled with the resolute conviction that I was happy, but from time to time I felt the weariness of solitude.

If the truth were told, they were by no means rare, these moods of exasperation at the thought of my lack of friends and social intercourse; for this lack scarcely needs explaining. I had no connections with the best or even the second-best local society; to get on a convivial footing with the jeunesse dorĂ©e I should have needed, God knows, a great deal more money than I possessed; and as for bohemian circles – why, damn it, I am a man of education, I wear clean linen and a decent suit: am I supposed to enjoy sitting with unkempt young men round tables sticky with absinthe, discussing anarchism? In brief: there was no specific social circle to which I obviously belonged, and such acquaintanceships as I happened in one way or another to make were few and far between, superficial and uncordial – this, I admit, was my own fault, for in these cases too I behaved with different reserve, disagreeably conscious of the fact that I was able to tell even a down-at-heel painter, in brief clear words that would command his respect, who and what I actually was.

I had, of course, severed my ties with ‘society’ and renounced it, as soon as I had taken the liberty of going my own way instead of somehow making myself useful to it. Had I needed ‘other people’ in order to be happy? If so, then I was bound to ask myself whether I should not now have been busy enriching myself as a fairly successful entrepreneur, who would at the same time be serving the community and earning its envy and esteem.

Whereas – whereas! The fact remained that I was finding my philosophic isolation excessively vexing, and in the last resort quite inconsistent with my conception of ‘happiness’ – with my consciousness, my conviction, that I was happy. And that this conviction should be shaken was, of course, beyond any shadow of doubt quite out of the question. Not to be happy – to be unhappy – why, was this even thinkable? It was unthinkable. Thus I decided, and thus I disposed of the question – until the mood returned and I felt again that there was something wrong, something very far wrong, about my self-isolation, my retired seclusion, my outsider’s life. And this thought put me most shockingly out of humour.

Is one ‘out of humour’ if one is happy? I remembered my earlier life in my native town, that restricted society in which I had moved, full of the gratifying consciousness of my artistic gifts and genius – sociable, charming, my eyes sparkling with high-spirited mockery and an air of benevolent superiority to everyone; people had thought me rather odd, but I had nevertheless been popular. I had been happy then, in spite of having to work in Herr Schlievogt’s big timber firm. And what was I now?

But after all, an absolutely fascinating book has just been published, a new French novel which I have decided I can afford to buy and which I shall have the leisure to enjoy, sitting comfortably in my armchair. Another three hundred pages, full of taste, blague and exquisite artistry! Come now, I have arranged my life the way I wanted it! Can I possibly not be happy? The question is ridiculous. The question is utterly absurd."

Monday, February 02, 2004


It shall concern a man and his house. A house, which runs deep underground. Some of it is antiseptic, clean and white and pure in its glossy tiled walls.

Some of it has big windows. Like big eyes. But these eyes do not look out. Light enters, but apologetically at best. And the corners they hesitantly grace contain no shadows anyway. That’s for the underground house. Upstairs, its all hunky-dory.

The ceilings are high, for the most part. At least, upstairs. The man who made them had lofty goals, but went about his work hurriedly, impatient to get it done and get out.

Music might float across the halls. In tune with your footstep, if you were lucky. Or the rhythm might ignore you, rendering your every step jarring and discordant.

Who lives in this house of hope and dream? With walls of fairy-dust floating freely over white, vinyl floor? Our protagonist (lets call him “01” for now) is a writer. No, not a writer. He is an inventor. A creator of. . .constructions (curiosities? Amusements? Petty thrills?) and abject slave to whim. He has built himself a house. In this house, he resides and works.

No, he hasn’t built his house. He’s borrowed it, piece-by-piece, from the minds of other men. It should have been “stolen”, rather than “borrowed”, had he the stomach to admit it.

Anyway, we’ll break him down more later. He’s not alone in his house. He can’t afford its upkeep. He needs to bring people in so that he might afford to change things about once in a while. He needs people for stimulation. But that doesn’t mean he likes it. Or them.

He has one boarder. The boarder is friendly, but the protagonist doesn’t like him. He’s hostile to this alien. And for good reason. The outsider is. . .stupid!

01 resents the intrusion the outsider makes on his life. More importantly, he resents the new stain on his environment. But he also knows that he desperately needs the outsider. More than the outsider suspects. He needs him as a psychological foil.

But, superficially at least, the two of them get along really fucking well. Like a house on fire. *snigger*

There are a couple of other odd people around who pop up from time to time. Almost like ghosts. Often they’re just bits and pieces of people. An arm here and a leg there. Whatever it may be. Traces of memory. Shades of the past. Glimpses of a vague future. Vague glimpses of any future at all.

Anyway, 01 is at work. He’s working on something. What shall it be?

Yes, what indeed?

He’s working on something, but he’s also looking for something. What?

It should have something to do with his house. He is his house.

Lets tell this story through the eyes of the outsider. Or maybe, I can alternate the first-person between the two. That should be fun. Shifting perspectives on the same thing.

What does one do? What does one do when one is simultaneously the inhabitant and the inhabited? How do you translate a being into space and form?

- Ud

love was made for me and you...

i quit my job at kala ghoda!
i now have a new problem.
my tolerance for people (as a species) has reduced to a bare minimum.


azermi says: tell me all going well. Kal ghoda and applications

too many questions says: no i quit that. applications well

azermi says: anything new visions

too many questions says: no just some interesting things to do research on.
1. runners becoming faster (need to look up stats and analyse and fuck) and then relate with factors like better shoes, etc etc, etc
2. there are no odd legged animals
want to know if there are odd legeed robots
if there aren't, there should be
and they should move in a circular motion

azermi says: that amy have to do wiht gravity and balance

too many questions says: not balance, a three legged stool balaces quite well

azermi says: but in terms of movemnt

too many questions says: co-ordination, i'm thinking!

azermi says: yes during movemnt. ye sye.

too many questions says: like say a dog which loses a leg, it still balances itself

azermi says: i used thewrong fucking word not balance ' but coordiantion nad hte redundancy of it

too many questions says: and i also have my doubts to how eveolved this two legged thing is in terms of movements

azermi says: if it can be achieved just as well with two why three

too many questions says: (not three -- but a quadraped -- most of the mammals) because it's much less tiring, and more speed and fuck. so, it's like an inverse equation

azermi says: but we were talking abt odd numbers

too many questions says: as the mind evolves, the body gets more handiapped in some sense but with the development of our hands, that too can be questioned

azermi says: as the mind evolves, the body gets more handiapped ? explain tht

too many questions says: in terms of speed. man (for his size) is one of the slowest animals, but the smartest. correct?

azermi says: correct

too many questions says: it's all a trick, because, with his brains, he's built cars, cycles, concordes, to out beat any animal

azermi says: but j there might be more psyiological differences to which that can be attributed

too many questions says: i'm just rambling. u know that no? i haven't reached any conclusion or qritten anything down. was just thinking in idleness

azermi says: well i'm glad yr mind is preganant with thoughts. i rarely haev that privilage

too many questions says: i think i solved my own debate. i don't like the whole idea of man being the most intelligent creature (by mans standards of course)