Monday, March 30, 2009

the six hour sleep

for the past month and a half i get only six hours of sleep
so if i sleep at 2, i get up by 8
if i sleep by 12:30, i get up by 6:30
if i sleep by 1:30, i wake at 7:30
you get the drift

but always six hours
has my body switched time already?
is it now a 6 hour sleep body?

i don't feel so
i do feel awake
but psychologically i feel tired
like i want to rest

rest?
i don't even know what that means.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

"In the Bookstore"

I went down to the bookstore this evening
and found myself in the poetry section.
But for every thin book of poems
there was a thick biography of the poet
and an even thicker book
by someone who's supposed to know
explaining what the poet
is supposed to've said and why he didn't.
So you don't have to waste your time
on the best the writer could do,
the words he fought the darkness and himself for,
the unequal battle with beauty.
Instead you can read comfortably
about the worst the writer could do:
the mess he made of his life,
how he fought with his family,
cheated on his lovers, didn't pay his debts
and not only drank too much
but all the stupid things
he ever said to the bartender
just before getting 86'd will be printed for you
and they're just as stupid
as the things everyone says just before getting 86'd.
The books explaining the poet
are themselves inexplicable.
The students who have to read them
cheat.
I left the poetry section
thinking about burning the bookstore down.
Some of a poet's work comes from his life, ok.
But most of a poet's work comes
in spite of his life, in spite of everything,
even in spite of bookstores.
So I went to the next section
and bought a murder mystery but I haven't read it yet.
I find I don't want to know who done it
and why;
I want to do it myself.

Julia Vinograd

Friday, March 13, 2009

Call and Answer

I think it's getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
That is the hardest part

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
When we're both in the same room
You think I'm only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think were here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, Ill pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
Best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same
To me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
More than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I'll point you home.

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you

Now its time to prove that you've come back here
to rebuild
to rebuild
to rebuild
to rebuild.

~Bare Naked Ladies

i love you meter

on caring

caring and caring enough are two different things
if it is not the latter then in the mind
it is the same as not caring at all

who am i/

still nobody.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

from my diary on march 11

holi isn't what it used to be. i don't remember celebrating holi in liberia, though mama tells me that we did play once or twice at one aunt's house, on her terrace.

but i do remember all (well few) of my holis in bombay (aka mumbai).

4th: with azu and niki and other building friends (first year in india, i was terribly shy)

5th: with niki and azu and her friends and other building friends

in the building, they would clear the cars and fill buckets and buckets of water
and we'd play and play and play from 10 in the morning till around 2.
then water used to come (in my building we don't have 24 hours water running) so all us kids would run up to bathe. it would take at least 4 rounds of soaping to get all the colour off.

there was a routine before going down as well - oil hair - wear swimming cap (yes, i did that too), socks, fill bucket of balloons, inventory of colour, shoot.

6th: with rima and priyankhee and i think gayatri and urvashi at gangotri-bhagirathi (gb; these twin buildings - navy - near afghan church). this was the year when a boy named mayank poured chuna pani (lime water) on me, and it all went into my eyes and i thought i was going to go blind. i was really mad.

7th and 8th: then came amreena and holi shifted to whereever she was. amreena lived in a building called revati. boney and harry and their sisters lived in the very same building. and even gayatri i imagine (but can't remember clearly). so we would stay at dolly's place. get up in the morning, fill balloons and then go to boney's place, and then go to harry's place and then collect more people on the way like karan and abhinav and then head to the clubs (imsc - dhanush - and us club).

the clubs always had plenty loud bollywood music and tanks and showers and lots of food and beer (which we were too young to drink at the time) and loads of people from around the area. gold and silver colour also featured here. we'd usually hop over from imsc to us club or us club to imsc. we'd play for hours and hours -- sometimes till 4 -- and then start walking back. one time we even jumped straight into the sea.

the thing i loved about holi is after all the water has dried -- the way the dry colour sticks to your skin and shines in the sun. as if your whole outer layer is just going to crack off.

i think after those years, holi has never been what it used to be.
9th to 12th was spent in exams. and it seems so did my years at degree college. and then at work, working.

mostly because of the lack of people to play with. or the lack of space and utilities.

the old friends had shifted out or we had grown apart, and the new ones weren't the jungli (in my books) holi type.

one year, i can't really pin the year down, i do remember playing with niki (my sister) and drinking a lot of bhang. i would have been young because i didn't know what hash was at the time. and i drank a whole lot of it. and the thing about bhang is that it doesn't hit you immediately, but 2 hours later! and i was out for the rest of the day. i didn't experiment more with bhang after that year.

at school though i never thought that this is not going to be the same. everything is going to change. not even once.

and another two years (last and last to last) i walked around bangur nagar with veena and we played a teeny bit with her lot. once with veena and her friends, and once with veena and rucha and sharad.

-------------------------------------

these thoughts on holi of course led to deeper thoughts on my memory, and how it's so weak, and what happened 20 years ago is so easy to forget -- i can barely visualize liberia anymore.

and friends. how friendship is so proximity based. and active based. maybe it is a process of natural selection because it does take effort to stay active friends. and if you're the cool as a cucumber types then it really doesn't happen.

-----------------------------------------

so this post is dedicated to all my school friends (and others) who i loved playing holi with: nikita, azu, zohra, amreena, boney, harry, gayatri, madhurima, shreya, kari, mansi, abhinav, karan, priyankhee, maybe even rajeev (and those who i have forgotten).

it is also dedicated to shreya, kari, akshay, and boney, who i wish i could be active friends with again because it was just such fun

and finally to rima and sabrina, who i wish i made more of an effort to be active with.

(amreena, you are in my active list - kiss!)

peace of mind

i have no peace of mind.
none at all.
fuck.

copy-design

it's like we are all cut out of the same cloth.
so weird i find it.

Such an interesting tagged

Tagged by freeze_dried

Using only song *titles* from one artist, cleverly answer these questions
I choose: Radiohead

1. Are you a male or female: Myxomatosis
2. Describe yourself: Jigsaw falling into place
3. How do you feel about yourself: No surprises
4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Weird fishes arpeggi
5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: In limbo
6. Describe your current location: There there
7. Describe where you want to be: Far away
9. Your favorite color is: Black star
10. You know: The Trickster
11. What’s the weather like: Polyethylene
12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Big Boots
13. What is life to you: A reminder
14. What is the best advice you have to give: Anyone can play guitar
15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Lewis


I tag
1. Nash
2. Diti
3. Veena
4. Tanushri
5. Santosh

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Wind Beneath My Wings

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

~Bette Midler

beaches

every time i think about the past few days, a deep sadness fills my heart and tears fill my eyes. the truth is i don't know how to be anything but close friends with you. or at least the change is going to near-kill me. how could i possibly demote the importance of you in my life. it sounds preposterous.

i don't care if i like you, because i love you
and love is greater than like. from whichever angle you look at it.

i want you there, close (not casual) to me
when i get married and/or zero in on my life partner
when i have my first child
when i start my first company
when my parents get old
when i buy my farmhouse
when i travel to exotic places and am bursting with stories
when my life falls apart
and after i've got it back together
when i become an addict
when i want to sing aloud
and laugh till i drop
when i become a politician
and finally when i die

and i want to be close to you
close, not casual
involved, not informed

(i have been married to three things in my life (or the 27 years of it so far)-- veena, work (crimson), and you. if i can break one of them, i can surely understand why you can break the other - we gotta do what we gotta do. irrespective of how cruel it may seem at the time, or preposterous)

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Friday, March 06, 2009

junk is a ghost from my past


my massar used to tease me and call me jaya ratnani when i was small because i couldn't pronounce my last name -- ramchandani. i have never put this down in writing before so it is even more shocking to see what came in my spam today!

birthday month!!!

2 - akshay
2 - sarin
4 - giselle
5 - bansi
6 - johny
6 - yogesh
7 - sumitha
8 - nrip
11 - snigdha
15 - shreya
19 - rishi
21 - jaya
26 - veena
28 - batul
29 - aniket
29 - karthik
30 - tanushri
30 - lenin
31 - nash

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

quote of the day

We are generally the better persuaded by the reasons we discover ourselves than by those given to us by others.

~Blaise Pascal