Sunday, May 30, 2004

the city that fit oddly

i did, once, walk through a part of it
more than once; all the time would be a better fit.

see:
the electric blue electric mumble of the tv actor in the darkened room
his voice’s
sound crackles; walkie-talkie, it could be.

terrified piece of plastic
tumbles down the abandoned cobblestones
dances
flutters
(shrieks)
and tumbles on, abandoned in the street,
like a lover in the rain
looking
for what cannot be.

cigarette butts guide the way around the corner.
the one that sneaks toward the main road
where the neon vultures crawl, unsettling
the poet into hiding
in the abandoned alley.

the industrious student cycles by.
he’s on his way to his whiskey, and to his books.
the vultures, they scare him too; with their claws
and their squawk! squawk!
evil eyes! picking at carrion are their flashing, painted,
wicked
sickle beaks.

the promises of pleasure - but where?
the artist looks around - where does he go?
in the darkened alley, a storyteller
weaves the crowd of four a verbal tapestry,
lit up by his candles. the artists sees the minstrel’s
fiery
(eyes)
flash in the dark, reflecting the candle light, looking at the poet, calling
- the madman!- the poet looks away and moves on.

it is quiet, quiet as death, but less certain.
there is a movement somewhere, a-
thrum. the bowels of the city
churn
in the silence of their deed.
the poet feels sadness flow into him, coupled
with malaise’s thick cloud making him a cloak to wear in the city’s cool night.
he trudges into the dark night
back to the dark placebo of safety
that his little room offers him.

the world closes, like a masturbation fantasy.

-AN

character zero

last night was fairly entertaining.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

what a difference the day made

beam me home mommy

no sleep
fever
nausea
running nose
chums

risheen said some hot milk and sex would make me feel better.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Did I say that I loathe you?

The Blower's Daughter

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

- Damien Rice

Monday, May 17, 2004

memento

I watched him walk away with a sickness in my heart - though it was a pleasing kind of sickness, if such a thing exists. I mean to say that if you have experienced an evening more exciting that any in your life, you're sad to see it end; and yet you still feel greaful that it happened. In that brief encounter with the Chairman, I had changed from a lost girl facing a lifetime of emptiness to a girl with purpose in her life. Perhaps it seems odd that a casual meeting could have brought about such a change. But someimes life is like that, isn't it? And I really do think if you'd been there to see what I saw, and feel what I felt, the same might have happened to you.

Memoirs of a Geisha

Saturday, May 15, 2004

once upon a stony sunset

there are relative truths and then there are absolute truths. for me, there are only relative truths. this morning when i woke up, what i wished for was a saviour of sorts. an up-and-goer, who would say to me, “j, i’ve made some arrangements, pack a bag. we leave in a week”. “where to”, i ask bewildered, as the adventure-ess in me is near dead. “ok, so this is the plan. we’re going to go to himachal. i’ve saved up a little money to get us started. we’ll teach in exchange for food. and we’ll just explore. three months, and then we can re-return to what we’ve satisfied ourselves with. but i think three months is important enough.”

i’ve slept like a sweet little baby for the past two nights. mostly because danielle was on the day shift (alas, it ends today). so i’ve discovered the reasons for my sleeping problems. i can’t sleep alone. in some sense, it’s good, cause who knows, at a later stage in life, it may be a full-time thing, and i might as well get used to it. wait! that’s not a jaya way of thinking. let’s just bury that thought for now. (how i envy people who are so damn content just being with themselves – but do they really exist?)

i was talking to rishi (and nash) the other night, about human dynamics. my stance remains that people cannot be understood. i think a lot of my stance has to do with nashpaul. i have failed so miserably at understanding him that i’ve given up on understanding people completely. i don’t think i’m too wrong in saying that, but ya, my perspectives of right and wrong, slut-e and and saint-e have gone for a random walk. i think i understand everyone i’ve met before him.

many light years ago, there was a great kingdom, the kingdom of busa. the kingdom had a strange quadruple structure. quadruple. n. a quantity that is four times as great as another. v. increase fourfold. a. having four units or components, four times as great or many.

there were two streams running through the kingdom, dividing it into four parts….

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

consistency check

no sleep for a week now. strange dreams. psychedelic even.

meaning of psychedelic: producing distorted sensory perceptions and feelings or altered states of awareness or sometimes states resembling psychosis

waves are speedbreakers
the hullahump man seranades the sinking boats and cried as the buffaloes lament

scene not good

been too serene
too proper

waiting

saw passion of the christ
remembered tu-tu girl
listened to how to disappear completely
all in one night
strobe lights and blown speakers

i'm slow
i'm cracking up
i'm falling down
wipe that smug off your face

i just rolled my chair over my toes
ouch