warning

i was always insignificant...i just didn't know it.
i was always a failiure...i can see it now.

important things to look out for when choosing a life partner:

first, ensure that s/he is of the right sex
second, ensure that s/he is of the right caste
third, ensure that s/he is able (not capable) to provide you with any worldly possesion your heart may desire
fourth, ensure that your baggage is the same
finally, ensure that your definitions of life match

welcome!

learning curve

first get better then get bigger

dysfuntional

what is the point to this job anymore. danielle said that the only reason why i've stuck for so long is because of veena. that could very well be true. no, but honestly, how can one continue to work as an average; maybe a little above average, but closer to average nevertheless. of course, in the smaller scheme of things, i'm good; but i know better. so here we arrive at that point, that month. even if i did decide to quit, i'm sure no one would care (except veena).

i want to be important. i want to rock peoples' worlds. i was made for bigger things. my hands tell me so. i have no leadership qualities, but i'm sure i was born to lead...not to waste my life. when will i stop wasting my life? is this wasting my life?

i feel like my brain has reduced to a mass of styling mousse deposits. no honestly. i used to think so much. now, when i let my mind wander, it actually starts to tingle. hmmm. think think think. what is it that i'm good at; no, not good, best at? what is it that i'm best at? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

that was an indication of my severe frustration at not being good at anything. i don't think i should edit and review anymore. this is my life after all. i don't feel like i'm cut out for it. plus the pay isn't that fantastic either. how to make my million? how to dissapear completely? are those my choices. why can't i settle for something in between instead of radioheading my way to disaster.

so...i don't know if i've expressed my views on charmed being a fairly deep episode on this blog, but it is. it really is. no matter how geeky this assertion seems. it is. either way...so the last profound dialouge on charmed was that death gives people a reason to live; if there were no death then people would lose their love for life. it's not like i'm not aware of this. but when the nerves in ones head feel like banal canals, and when a simple episode on three witches is my only tv_solace, i'll bite.

i sound really pretentious don't i. i feel so.

one way to look at it

i'm flooded. it's been 10 months now. 10 months of me and my pitching ground. i feel answerable, answerable to risheen, jayati, niki, ashu, sonal, and so on. i even feel answerable to words and photography. but i feel functional. there's so much left to recover.

i barely care about anyone anymore. about their thoughts. about their opinions. about the fact that i don't keep in touch. that i never make the effort. that. that. that. i think i should do some recovery. out of guilt more than necessity. out of a feeling of love interlaced with obligation to not sever my ties completely. to keep alive the scope and scale of future social intercourse. i knew i was fucked when i started to forget. but is forgetting an indication of love lost?